curious-me's Diaryland Diary



It's 11 o'clock on a Tuesday I should be at work right now instead I am home having what is probably some kind of mini nervous break down. Let's rewind a bit.

You already know about my grandma. I was sad for a bit then I wasn't. Not because I didn't care but because I didn't think about it. I didn't write here because I didn't want to be reminded of sadness so I just ignored it. Now I am approaching the funeral/ memorial service this Friday and the emotions are getting harder to tame as I am now no longer able to ignore it. I have to pack for the funeral and for the Easter weekend. I have to decide whether I want to speak at the funeral (I finally decided no).

Then we decided to take "Florida" (I may change the nickname to our car to "FF" for fucking florida because that cry is fucking bleeding us dry) to my parents this weekend. The breaks have a problem and we decided to have my dad's mechanic fix them since we know he won't hose my dad. Then last night Keith texts me that he blew out a tire on FF on his drive home. He went on W-mart's useless website where they said the auto part was open til 8pm. Not so they closed at 6. We got there at 6:45. We have to get the spare good tire put on the rim before we can put it on the car so right now the car is driving on a donut. So when we got home I called W-mart using their useless website to ask what time the auto part opened 7am. Fine I would go in then and deal with the car.

This morning I was up earlier than normal because my mind is spinning. Keith and I drive over separately we get their at like 7:40 - closed. Huh. We go in and the auto part doesn't open to fucking 9 o'clock I nearly lost it on the guy - I get that their website is wrong but I fucking called and they told me 7am. Bloody hell. So Keith leaves and I stay and walk walmart for over an hour. Finally at 9 I go over and sit for another half hour watching them until finally they call me over - uh oh - the reason our tire blew? The spring broke and it was shredding the tire. They told me they couldn't put a regular tire back on or it would just do the same but the donut is small enough it can't touch it right now. I thanked them - paid them for who knows what - got in my car and lost my shit. I think I cried for pretty much an hour straight. I drove home with tears falling and then when I got through the door I just lost my shit all over again. But this time there was no risk of anyone looking at me or seeing me so it was 10x worse. Now I have a headache.

Now I am sitting here feeling so lost and so confused. I know we have to take the car to our mechanic and pay out the ass for getting the spring replaced. But do we just bite the god damn bullet and pay for the brakes as well? Do we save the brake job for my dad's mechanic? I don't want to make these decisions solo. Keith is at work and won't check his phone at all - there is a very slight chance he might check it at lunch but doubtful. I called my dad once I guaranteed I wouldn't cry once he answered but I got their machine so I hung up.... and cried.

I emailed my boss - didn't want to risk calling - and just said the car issue was worse than thought and I wasn't sure when I would be in. At this point I'm pretty sure I'm not going in. I only had a 3 day work week to begin with but right now I don't give a flying fuck.

I had called my mechanic earlier and got his machine (that's what started the crying jag). This car was given to us when my uncle died - by given I mean we put a grand into it to make it roadworthy cause he took such crappy care of it (ok fine he was physically unwell his last year of life) but still the car was in a very very bad state. The car is still in a bad state. It has a lot of issues. We maintain it but we really don't want to put $ into it. The brakes and now the spring problems give us no choice. Every single time we start to get ahead with money, shit like this goes down.

I know I know it's not the end of the world. But when your problems all combine to make the perfect storm then you add on death it makes for one very emotional woman.

I haven't cried at all while typing this which is saying something. I think I am going to post this - watch some tv to numb myself then if Keith hasn't called by lunch I will just call my mechanic and make the damn decisions myself. So be it.

10:59 a.m. - 2014-04-15


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