curious-me's Diaryland Diary


Making my own path

I've written several entries the past few weeks and deleted them all only a few paragraphs in. I finally managed to write a complete entry today.


What’s Your Plan?

With those 3 words asked by my husband I couldn’t decide whether I was pissed or flattered. Last week was a see-saw of emotions for me. I seemed to be up and down in mood so much – but if I was to be perfectly honest it was mostly down. I even took a Wellness day also known as a sick day at my place of employment. I felt beaten down by job and my unhappiness with the direction it is going. I don’t like not feeling confident in my job and it weighs on me big time. Speaking of weight. The second part of my week went downhill even more so after my 3 month visit with my family doctor. My weight went up which I can’t say was a real surprise for me as this x-mas season kicked my ass combined with pretty much not exercising the last 3 months. I mean I have started back slowly the last couple weeks but the titantic couldn’t be saved with a small bucket now could it? I left that appointment feeling quite low. No I left that appointment crying. I got to my car and the tears fell. What is wrong with me? I’m not a stupid person. I know I can’t just take meds and bury my head in the sand. But I do. My blood results weren’t great and there were a few new concerns I’ve never had. To quote a poem from my grandpa’s book of poetry that was never published to the world at large I was “Down at the Foot of the Hill”.

Sharing my concerns and worries hours later with my husband tears came to my eyes again. Then he asked me those 3 words above – What’s Your Plan? I just sort of stared at him with those conflicting emotions. Why is he asking ME this why can’t HE help me come up with a plan? That was my first thought that floated through my head though I did not say it. Instead I sat quietly beside him letting my thoughts bang around inside my head. Then I felt a small smile play across my face at the thought that my husband – who knows me so well – believed in me so much that he knew I would come up with a plan. I would be chomping at the bit to fix these wrongs and make myself healthier and stronger. He was wrong. This time. I was still too upset and raw. The rough week had beaten me down and I could not motivate myself to rise up and make a plan. Instead I shared with him my worries and concerns. I told him how upset I am about going to the track to walk because I don’t want to see the guy I used to walk with and who had hit on me. But I love walking. It makes me feel so good after walking around and around letting my thoughts bang around in my head while music blares in my ears with all my favourite upbeat songs to keep me going. I know I have to go back. I know. Maybe he won’t be there? Maybe he won’t talk to me even if he is. Yah I know for a fact he would talk to me. Keith told me to tell him off or if he makes me feel uncomfortable go to the people running the track. I’m not that type of person. I guess the only thing to do would to not be friendly? I know the only thing to do is just get over my fear and nerves and just go back. See what happens. Easier said than done.

I have discovered you tube. Exercising to videos. A whole new world has opened up to me in the last couple weeks. I type in what sort of exercise I am in the mood for and check the length of time I know I can do and then I hit play. I only abandon a video if it is super bad or doing nothing for me. So far most of have got my heart pumping and the sweat coming off me. I feel good after doing those videos. Because even if I do go back to the track I know on those -20 nights I will not be able to get myself out that door to go to a track (not to mention worrying about my car not starting once I am at the track – ahem it is having a few issues lately with not starting once in a while).

So my Plan. What is my plan? My plan is to exercise 5 nights a week. Cut down – or basically cut out the junk food from my diet. Work on getting fruits and veggies back into my eating schedule because to be frank I have maybe 1 veggie a day and that is only at dinner when my husband makes it. My go to snack is anything carby and yah I know how horrible that is. So that is my plan that I have come up with as I try and come out of this 'meh' state I am in.

Before I left work on Friday I remember reading my zen calendar quote of the day:

"A path is made by walking on it"

I remember rolling my eyes as I read it, thinking maybe this whole zen thing isn't for me (I just purchased the mini desk calendar at 75% off). But this morning when I came into work and was removing it to get to today's quote I couldn't help but smile. Ah yes "A Path". Better get walking.

10:19 p.m. - 2016-02-08


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