curious-me's Diaryland Diary


Digging up the past

Two entries in a row - that's been a while. I fell down the d-land rabbit hole last night with my own diary. I started reading from the beginning which incidentally was 18 years ago this month! WOW. That is nuts.

I re-lived a whole year of my life when I was young(er)....and had so much energy! I am not going to lie I sat here and cried thru some of it. I re-lived the one and only time my heart was ever broken. I had so many thoughts on why that wrecked me. I read til after 11 and finally when I met this guy named 'Keith' who told me on our 4th date that he was in love with me and it wasn't just a crush I finally turned the laptop off and went to bed. I had to have the story end on a happy note.

I cried not only for the broken hearted girl I was but I cried at the incredible friends who stepped up and carried me thru that time. I had essentially just met T but she became one of my best friends. To read how all these women in my life banded together and looked out for me, picked up the pieces with me, got drunk with me and just basically were THERE for me was....amazing. It hurts to read how broken up I was over J but to read and see the friendships that I still have today develop is something I will always treasure. I do believe if J and I hadn't broken up T and I wouldn't have become the friends we are. I leaned on her so hard and then when her dog was hit by a car and died during that time I was the one that sat in bed with her drinking wine while we both cried and I was there for her. Those moments made us what we are today best friends for life.

As I tried to sleep last night my mind couldn't help but marvel at how I felt. Reading your life story from almost 2 decades ago is kind of mind blowing. It's like you are reading about someone else. You are no longer that person. But are. In all honesty it all felt kind of surreal. I had become immersed in this life where I was a 20 something going out non-stop to the gym, shopping, dinners out, hanging out with friends just always busy. I read how my heart was broken and then how I tried to put myself back together. How I kept rebounding (sleeping) with the guy who broke my heart, even though he was with someone else. Then I read how I started to finally date again. I say again but it was essentially my first time. I was a serial relationship girl. I had never been 'alone' since I was 18? I dated R for 7 years then started seeing P and sort of J when I became single. I had to decide on one so I went with P and then as that ended J and I got together.

After him I was lost. I guess looking back it was because I had always had another guy lined up - not consciously - it was just how things had worked out. It's kind of hard to believe now that I hadn't really even dated til I met R. See? I never really just DATED a guy. So after J I was scared to death. I was scared of being alone forever.

It kind of broke my heart just reading how little self confidence I had. How bad my self esteem was. I also couldn't help but smile thru my tears when I read and re-lived the moments my self confidence began to rebuild - without a man. Yes, I was afraid of being alone but I realized that I COULD be alone and that was huge. So maybe I owe J a thank you? No. I don't. He was a dick. He was also a very young 22 year old who wanted his cake and to eat it too. I can now look back and see that he was too young for the relationship I wanted. When I was his age yes I was in a relationship but it was ALL drama all the time. We had a group of us and we were forever getting into these dramas and fights and R and I broke up and got back together so many times I really did lose track. He broke my heart too but in a much different way and it really happened over the years. When we broke up it was very much mutual. Same with P. Our break up was mutual. Just that rat bastard J had the audacity to tell me he wasn't in love with me but 'wanted to be friends'. And then of course toyed with my heart for the full 5 months I spent trying to get over him and move on.

So yah, that was my night and also part of my morning because believe it or not I still hadn't really shaken that feeling. As I was going to bed last night I was looking at my surroundings with fresh eyes. My house that I bought over 10 years ago. My furniture and my stuff. It was a totally different life than the one I had read from 17 years ago. It was a mind fuck is what it was. Maybe don't go down that rabbit hole if you're not ready.

But for sure I am going to bed soon because I woke up with a killer headache this morning! OH that was another thing - I sure played fast and loose with work! I mean I would wake up and not feel like going to work so I'd call in and either tell them I'd be a couple hours late or I'd just call in sick! I mean I did that a LOT. I would have been working there just under 3 years. It was also a much simpler time and more prosperous as we had unlimited sick days back then. I also skipped out of work early A LOT. I mean like at least once a week! Half the time it was to get ready to go out partying! I mean I was living the life!

I wasn't going to write about this because why dig it all up? But I know me. I have these internal conversations going on in my head non-stop. I knew until I put this down in writing I wouldn't stop thinking about it. And I need to stop. I need to get back to the Present. I need to concentrate on the here and now. I need to remember to count my blessings. I need to just....breath.

9:08 p.m. - 2020-04-30


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