curious-me's Diaryland Diary


Happy 20th Anniversary!

Exactly 20 years ago today I wrote my first ever online post in Diaryland.

I was 27 years old. I was in a relationship with a guy who I was head over heals with. I had a full time job with the gov't, I was two years in and enjoyed my work and my co-workers. I was living by myself for the first time in my life. Basically I was living my best life!

Then uh you know life went to crap. My much younger boyfriend gave me my first ever real life heart break. I went thru some very dark days when J broke my heart. But then something happened. I realized just how strong I was. I realized how amazing my friends were. I realized I could be by myself and be ok. I just realized - right now while typing this that I had actually never been single up to this point. I started dating R when I was 18/19. We had the most disfunctional relationship you could ever imagine. I never left one guy for another but there was always a guy in the wings that was there waiting to entertain and help me move on. Hm. I never realized I was that girl before. Probably because I went thru my whole teenage angst years single. I dated - sort of. A couple hoodlums that didn't go to my school and by date I mean made out with for a few days after school for a few weeks - ok just one of them - just realized that sounded bad. The other started 'liking me' after we both got dumped - him by my friend and me by his friend. That never went anywhere cause that guy creeped me out. Then there was my radio dj boyfriend. Local dj who I flirted with when I called in to request songs. He was 23 I was 16. He picked me up from school - in his van - we made out and went out for several months. I eventually learned that he was um 32 not 23. Yah who knew? Then came my on/off/on/off etc relationship with R for approximately 7 years.

Hm why did I go down that road when that's all before I started this here diary? Who knows? I'm a rambler!

Okay back to my diary. So I skimmed the many many entries of 20 years and here's what I learned:

I was chatty.
I was rambly.
I wrote first and thought later.
My entries were, in the beginning, brutally honest.
I also went out a LOT and did more stuff than I remember!

Some of the entries made me laugh. Some made me cry (I remember that girl who was in so much pain). There were entries I didn't remember and I was so happy to read them and remember. There were entries that reminded me just how close Keith and I came to losing our house because we were so far in debt and had a lien put on our house by the tax man. Those were tough times to read. But I read on and watched how we pulled together instead of apart and just got to work digging our way out of debt. I remember carrying a $5 bill around in my wallet for weeks on end never spending it knowing it was the only money I had to spend. I didn't share much of those times with family or friends. Some knew but nobody ever knew the full extent. My parents never knew. Mostly because I was so ashamed we had let ourselves get where we were. It's also the main reason we never had kids. We were never willing to bring kids into such a bad situation. Not the only reason but that was a big factor during those years.

I tried going year by year and jotting down notes as I went along re-reading my diary but there really wasn't anything of note. Big things happened - marriage, we bought a house, we bought a car, we lost loved ones.....all big things. And there were a 100 tiny things that made up who I am. I lost my anniversary necklace and was upset. I found it a few months later as I was donating the item it had fallen onto and attached itself too. Or the day my boss got fired and walked out of work (we had a contentious relationship by that point and I wasn't too sad to see her go). Or the day my dear co-worker got in a car accident, got brain damage and almost lost her life. Then there are just the many many entries where I went out with my friends and we did stuff, or went away or just went out drinking. Basically it's a diary of my life!

Sometimes I cringed reading entries. Sometimes I was too honest. There are also missing entries that I never wrote or deleted before I posted because they are too real and too raw and some things I just couldn't or wouldn't share with the world wide web. Even if I was mostly anonymous - mostly because then came along FB and I couldn't resist becoming friends with some of you!

I think I mentioned before I missed the train where a lot of the people became friends IRL and met each other. I was always jealous reading those entries. But, also, I am a true introvert at heart. I literally can count my friends that I see on my hands. Most people think I don't like them or am just indifferent when they meet me but mostly it's my shy nature. I've overcome that shyness a lot. I try and open up to people more. A woman I am friends with now - we met thru work - loves to tell the story how we worked together for months and she couldn't believe when I finally smiled and laughed with her one day - she thought I didn't like her. We are now great friends. Trust me it's not you it's me lol.

So what now? I don't know. I was all set to leave d-land. Basically because it was leaving me. But it hasn't - yet. And if there is one thing you have come to know about me it's that I am a procrastinator. I had planned to back up my diary but being bed ridden with covid for the last week put a kibosh on those plans. There's no way in hell I can do that on my laptop - I need the hub's computer. When we are both awake he's on it. When he goes to bed I'm too tired to play on his computer or god forbid figure technical things out. It will happen. If re-reading these entries has shown me anything it's that I don't want these memories to disappear.

So I guess for now I will continue to update here. I am exploring another site that Neeks has moved too. She loves it. I signed up and am playing around with it. I will tell you if I move. I think I have also mentioned that one of my biggest beefs are those that just suddenly stop updating. They owe me nothing I totally get that but I am a closure person. You want to leave? Go for it! Just say goodbye first! My most heart breaking goodbye with a person I never met was thru her friend. She wasn't on this site but blogged elsewhere. She was so funny and entertaining and then she got sick. I remember logging in and reading that she passed away. She had a friend do that so her readers had closure. I sobbed for a person I never knew IRL.

I don't want to end this on a sad note. I just want to say Thank You. Thank you to those who read me and my ramblings. Thank you to those that I read and let me have a glimpse into your life. It may seem mundane or boring sometimes but just know that when I sit down and read your diary I enjoy what you write. I enjoy knowing there are people in this world that I will probably never meet but that I still feel connected to just thru your words. I look forward to many more years of sharing our mutual love of words.

8:18 p.m. - 2022-04-24


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